Tomorrow I have a session diving deeper into EMDR. I am nervous. I feel a part of me saying, "don't go there!" "Stay out!" I can feel agitation and distractive, not destructive, rage: urges to throw something or break something, even hit myself. Anything to avoid heading toward the painful place. I think I know what it's about, but I still also have doubts. Did something happen to me? Is something wrong with me? I'm told this is the trauma blaming me for what was never my fault. But what if there is something hiding deep that I don't want to let out?
No, it has to come out. No more dark corners or secrets. Whatever it is needs to be brought into the day and come what may, I'll trust that what is left will be in God's hands. Whether I learn of crippling dissociated abuse or the raging beast finally gets free, or nothing at all. Whatever I am is his.
Just like with 12 steps, I'm told to not judge the process. Trust it to do its work and where it doesn't we'll know that and find another.
I was worried I wouldn't be able to access these feelings and sensations, but they're already coming up even when I don't want them to.
I read today that meditation is not always good for trauma because it forces us to focus inward which is where the turmoil is. Previously, I couldn't meditate. Recently, I've been able to some. But lately, it's been getting weird. Today I felt a kick to my chair. A solid kick that took me out of the meditation. But i was in a locked room alone. I am chalking it up to hypnic jerks. But clearly my subconscious was trying to kick me away from where I was headed.
God help me. You are my hope.
