So many things jumbling up to get out that they jam and what is left is a blank.
Blank words, blank emotions, blanked out thoughts, blank pages, blank stares.
Wanting to say so much but knowing there are repercussions. Having the illusion of an audience in social media, but knowing it is at best an illusion covering a near infinite electronic blank and at worst, covering self-appointed judges who instantly execute and don't shoot blanks.
The pain, the fear, the hate, the regret, the sorrow all pent up and unable to express until it blows out of control and the judges are right there to confirm what I already knew. Hoping for a glimmer of grace, it is denied and I remain in the hell you created and I locked myself in, being unfit for association. Good at one thing: fighting.
But rest easy you judges and those who sit silently watching them, I will bear your anger and your pain and your wrongs. I will stretch out my purple and yellow arms and take the nails in my wrists like one far better than me did for far worse people. Not because I am better than you, but because I was grown to bear not only the pain of my own wrongs without forgiveness or mercy but also that of others.
So go ahead and absently foist your load onto those who consciously foist theirs with yours on scapegoats like me. I'll easily prove you right, so it's ok. Condemn me for acting as what you made me. And know that I have taken your sins from you in silence while you never knew.
And when I am at long last released from this three dimensional prison, this cell of cells, I will breathe out my last word, "finally".
