I started to write something entirely different from this, but find this topic needs addressing more. My last post was about fear. And while tyat fear has quieted somewhat, I started therapy again and my new counselor seems more active than my previous. I'm getting similar things, but this one seems more active, challenging. This may be good for me.
Right away he's pushed me to face things that are hard. I have so much anger and I avoid it. Try to keep it locked down. But he says this makes it worse. After a week rough week of things boiling to the surface, I am finally starting to feel a little settled again. What do I know. Maybe it's a false sense caused by distance from the acute experience.
What I have found in trying to comfort this interior wounded person is that when the anger fades, I am afraid. Sad and afraid. I can put on masks that are confident and even talk a good game of balanced psychology about it. But feeling it is another thing. Deep down I suspect many of my actions, good and bad, are really motivated by protecting this arrested and frightened child in me.
But what else could I do? I didn't know how to survive. My world was full of dangers and only bad advice if any was available. But i still feel judged for it. Ignorance is no excuse. Nothing short of perfection is accepted. There is always something I should have known or some better. These are lies.
