One Size Fits None

I see a tendancy in people to expect their experiences represent the experiences of others or even that a majority exerience is good for all. But this is not true. There was a time when all clothes were custom made and people couldn't understand how you could mass produce them. But in our culture, we just fit ourselves to what's offered...until we can't.

I see so much in Christianity about repenting but for someone who has been forcefully conditioned to blame myself, this is actually destructive. I don't need to be encouraged, reminded, or even pressured to turn away from my pride and wrong doing, I have already repented of mine, yours, and a few I had nothing at all to do with.

As illogical as it is (and we're talking about psychological flaws here so of course it is illogical), I even thought I might have had something to do with the Covid pandemic because just a few months before I was spouting rhetoric about population control. I know it is impossible, but what if...God does the impossible sometimes, right? Better repent of that just to be safe.

So I don't need to have that reinforced. I need to hear over and over how God loves me and forgives me, even when I don't know I did wrong. He isn't waiting for me to realize it. The work is finished. I can run to hide in this goodness and love when the world and my conditioning get overwhelming.

So likely no one will read this, but if you happen across it, I don't know what angle you are coming from. You might need to hear this love like me and rest in that. Or you might be on the other side and need to rein in your inclination to assume everyone needs your medicine. Or you may have a totally different angle. But I know that if God is infinite, then there is definitely a safe place for you with him somewhere and a perfectly suited healing medicine that will be prescribed for you, whether you know it or not and in spite of your attempts to get away from it. I have to believe this because this is my hope for salvation.

Fear

I started to write something entirely different from this, but find this topic needs addressing more. My last post was about fear. And while tyat fear has quieted somewhat, I started therapy again and my new counselor seems more active than my previous. I'm getting similar things, but this one seems more active, challenging. This may be good for me.

Right away he's pushed me to face things that are hard. I have so much anger and I avoid it. Try to keep it locked down. But he says this makes it worse. After a week rough week of things boiling to the surface, I am finally starting to feel a little settled again. What do I know. Maybe it's a false sense caused by distance from the acute experience.

What I have found in trying to comfort this interior wounded person is that when the anger fades, I am afraid. Sad and afraid. I can put on masks that are confident and even talk a good game of balanced psychology about it. But feeling it is another thing. Deep down I suspect many of my actions, good and bad, are really motivated by protecting this arrested and frightened child in me.

But what else could I do? I didn't know how to survive. My world was full of dangers and only bad advice if any was available. But i still feel judged for it. Ignorance is no excuse. Nothing short of perfection is accepted. There is always something I should have known or some better.  These are lies.