There are still traps lurking in my psyche. Triggers and scripts I don't know about.
Last night I tried to take an interest in my adult son through dinner conversation. He was defensive and the more I tried to change my communication style and try again, even consciously telling him that, to avoid the problem, the worse it got. At some point in there I flashed back, if that's even the right word. I became the hyper-rational intellectual that baffles in the guise of explaining and then slowly manipulates and controls such that the other person breaks down and feels they are truly to blame. It's what was done to me and I learned it well. Combined with my hyper-vigillence of behavior, education in micro-expressions (passed the test with 98%) and IQ over 130, I'm often successful.
I didn't realize it was happening until finally I started to get unreasonably angry, disengaged, and realized 2 hours had passed.
It's impossible to fix the damage done. Apologies don't undo it. Further explanations just draw me right back into that mode. The only winning move is not to play, which leaves my son thinking I don't care about him again.
I want to cut my tongue out so I'll not be able to say anything. It would be a small price to pay to stop hurting those I love most. But then, I'd probably just find behavioral ways to do it.
So then I hear the song Hate Me playing in my head and I think the best move is to drive others away and let them hate me so they will stop trying to get close to me and being hurt.
It's made worse because I am aware of it. I'm no longer baffled by the reactions I get, or even blissfully assured of my own rightness like my Dad is to this day.
I can only bear it again and hope to God that I can change. I suppose it's hopeful that I didn't harm myself in my grief last night. I can take that as a sign of self-compassion.
This also highlights again the saving principle of Christianity thst so many don't understand in this way. As Steve Taylor said, Jesus is for losers. Because I know what it means "to do harm that I don't want to do" and truly can't help. I understand "the sins of the father being pushed to the 3rd generation." I see the desperate need for someone to absolve me of these things that I can't undo.
Jesus said "the Kingdom of Heaven is within you" and my therapist confirms that our conception of God lies deep in the core of our psyche. If I can't find forgiveness, compassions, and love there, I am truly damned. So I cling to these teachings. God help me.
