Where do i go when my small and feeble base of support can't support me? The struggle is that I am only beginning to understand the effects of my trauma. I am acknowledging the wounded scared child inside that had no where to go. I am learning that the protective side that formed to shield this child did not have the skills to adapt to an adult world. It only knows the primal instinctual protection. It is the wolf, the sheepdog inside. It is good and it does its jib well. But it doesn't do all things well. It needs the integration of leadership and reason. But I only know how to split and pretend at these one at a time. I don't know how to bring them together. I'm trying.
As my wife lays sick, I am alternately wanting to sit at her feet and not let anyone touch her. Wanting to run and cry at seeing her in such a state and wondering who will take care of me. And rationalizing that I have to be tough. Stand strong like I always did. Silence these violent and whimpering urges and press on, cold and hard. Yet somewhere inside here, I know none of these are the answer. But somewhere inside they all merge and are superceded by a whole, healthy, balanced perspective. But it's really hard to find.
Sometimes people will shine a beam of light into this confusion, like my friend who said he was "praying for me to be a patient and humble servant to her" this phrase is so powerful right now, like a mantra.
God, I'm trying. But in these times I want to run back to my abusers for what dirty and warped solace they may provide. To be sure i haven't upset their god, by disrespecting them or otherwise sinning.
I know I can't do that and I know they are ill themselves, blind guides that can't see what they do to me. Deep inside I want to forgive them. I want to forgive myself. But right now, I can't see either. I can only listen for the whistle of the shepherd and feel for the thumping of his staff on the ground. If I can't find him, then I'll sit and wait for him to find me. He'll hear my howl and he'll find me. Or send another of his dogs, and I'll be the sheep this time.
