I don't know how to write this. Today, I"m oppressed with fear. I'm tired of pain. I know that the pain should abate as my shoulder heals, but it's a constant reminder that things could always be worse.
I understand that my framing of things actually influences my experience of them. But it's hard to frame something positive from an outlook of drudgery. Same old thing everyday, get up same time, move in same patterns, drive same roads, sit in same chair. Repeat and repeat, until I die. I am having a hard time seeing why I do it right now.
This is not new though. I've been here before. I need to count my blessings. I have a good job where I'm appreciated. I have a family that loves me, even if they are struggling with things I can"t fix. I have reasonable health and security and this will continue for the foreseeable future. People certainly live without these things, sometimes their whole lives.
So why can't I appreciate them more? I'm supposed to acknowledge that it isn't my fault. That it's somehow the trauma conditioning. Is it? Was it the fact that my formative years were so painful and that I was conditioned that it was always my fault?
I don't know and no amount of thinking is going to solve it. I need to simply sit with it. To let myself feel bad. It's ok to feel bad sometimes, right?
I've started trying to manage my nightmares and now they've taken a turn. Last night the only dream that recurred over and over was of my alarm going off, which woke me in a panic that I was late and disrupted any sustained sleep. I know this will influence my feelings. But what is causing it? Why can't I just rest?
I'll try to stay in the present moment today. I'll ask God to draw near and give me some extra comfort. And I'll try to just get through one more day.
UPDATE: It occurred to me that the feelings of fear may be rooted in the experience of not having the safety net. When those who were supposed to take care of me failed to do it, I learned that the future was uncertain and caretakers couldn't be depended on. Maybe this is why I have so much trouble trusting God to carry me through things. Life sucked, and it kept sucking and anyone who was supposed to stop the sucking just made it suck more.
... I was just feeling angry at all the people who let me down. And that's justified. But then I remembered, they are messed up too. I can't give them the fair play they deserve just like I unwittingly caused pain in my son because of my issues. This must be forgiveness. This increases my faith though. There has to be someone who can sort this out, who sits above it and makes things right. Christianity teaches me this is the case.
