Today I saw something that affected me greatly. After a year of not going to church, I have been able to again and am doing so to try to make friends in my new place. I saw this video . Jesus and a woman. She doesn't trust him and says so. So Jesus had her do a trust fall. After some funny moments she does it and feels elated. So he asks her to face him, then says. Ok, fall back. She refuses. It's a simple concept to illustrate a common problem. But it affected me greatly. I can barely keep dry eyes in church anyway and this just put me over the edge.
It's too true. I was filled with rapidfire images of this scenario, of my Sheepdog scenes, of martyrs, of life altering decisions, and of Peter getting out of the boat to walk on water. I feel strongly about this story since my move to Japan was prompted by it. I felt like I was being called out of tge boat of my stable American life. Now I'm back and feeling a mixture of failure, loss, gratitude, confusion, lonliness, etc. And here comes this video telling me, " what did you expect walking on a stormy sea to be like?" And as I feel frustrated daily by looking for something I gave away because I never intended to come back, but now need and have to reaquire, and at this huge endless city with no wilderness to retreat to, I hear the words, " I didin't tell you to get back in the boat." Hidden inside the words "fall back" while I lock eyes with Jesus in front of me.
I don't know what this all means, but I want desperately to let go and fall back. I've proven that I'll do it. Not well and with many troubles, but I did. So I feel like I am about 45 degrees mid fall, eyes shut and waiting for the thud. God, I'll do it, you know I will. If you ask, terrified and broken, I'll drop. I am dropping. I'll hit the ground or you'll catch me. The choice was made over a year ago and there is no way back. I might be closer proximally and culturally, but what I left is no longer there.
And you know what? It feels just like you'd expect it to. Sickening, sad, frustrating, scary. No magical heart singing. But red pill again and again. I feel like this is what I longed to know. It's no joke when you set out on this life for real. I will find the peace and healing I need or I'll end hard. But either way, I'll know what's True.
