I want to open with a confession. I am a pretender, a liar. I distort and manipulate my feelings, facts, and circumstances. The reasons are long and complex. I have trouble understanding and dealing with emotions and so have dissociated most of my life. I therefore struggle with depression, anxiety, and a protective anger. I struggle to control feelings and also to have them at all at various times. So I have a tendancy toward both hyperfocus and self harm. I struggle with porn which on one hand is a relatively safe release. But on the other, it reinforces negative patterns, inhibits real relationships, and makes use of an immoral and predatory industry, which I oppose.
So that is as accurate and complete, though succinct, a confession as I can manage at the moment. On the other side of that is a confession of my positives.
I attach readily to people who receive it, and some that don't. I have committed and deep, if not so strong, faith in God whom I believe restores all things, which includes me. I am fiercely protective and even self-sacrificing in this regard. I hate injustice and cruelty. I cheer the good guys. I want to play my part in helping restore things. I am a good organizer, analyzer, and planner.
So that's it for the moment. I hope to grow honest enough to share this more openly. But I'm not ready for that. So this is a step in that direction.
