I come back to this place to drop heavy things I carry. This time is heavier than most. A feeling I haven't had since about 15 years old. A sucking hollow in the pit of my stomach that robs me of food and sleep and happiness. Hello old acquaintance. I despair at your arrival. Just in time for Thanksgiving. My best friend of 30 years, my wife...I'm about to lose her and there's nothing I can do about it.
We have been growing, changing l, uealing and now I see how different we are. How we hurt each other and can't get around it. Abuse is like that. We pay for the sins of our parents. We have no say in it. I have lost my family to it. Never quite had my son because of it. This year, I also lost a friend of over 20 years. He asked me to do what I can't: lie to him. And then chose to hate me, accuse for it. And then cut me off angrily, with hurt.
And on the heels of this, my wife and I seem done. Separation planned. I hope space will let us grow a new relationship, but I honestly don't think she likes me. Just the idea of me. But maybe thats not fair. Maybe we're both feeling the same, but either way I have no idea how to bridge the gap. Not sure it can be when fundamental paradigms are opposite and we mutually trigger.
But i know two things: I will love her eternally. And no help is coming. It never has for me. I am the one who is left. Left behind. Left when the dust settles. Left of center. And God does not help me. He seems to have left me too. Whether it was my own mind or real connection, it is silent as a dead phone now.
I am greiving. I am achingly in pain, the kind doctors can't find or fix. So hello again, unwelcome friend, you have already found your room below my ribs. Ironic that the only thing that doesn't ever lean me is empty pain.
