I lost something very dear to me recently. It was my faith. Before you start jumping to conclusions on that, let me remind you to read older posts on what that means to me. Since I'm pretty much just writing for the voices in my head, it doesn't really matter though.
Suffice to say, I hit a crisis I couldn't overcome. I could no longer find a reason to believe in God. Every authority had been tainted early on, so no help there. And the personal experiences, I recently learned, can be mimicked. Thus there's no objective way to say any if that was or wasn't literally in my head. Even the two miraculous events I believed were proof enough could have been coincidental, pattern-seeking in random wins. One could well have been a spontaneous healing, which was actually a subconscious awakening to a biological process that had been going on all along.
I sought help in articles, etc. But there's so much judgementalism, proof-texting, and logical fallacies out there (on all sides. No one gets to cheer here), it was actually pushing me the other way. I feared I was going the way of so many and just slow to admit I had been fooled. Wishful thinking.
So I backed up and went at it like this: I couldn't prove it, even to myself. But I HOPED it was true. Therefore I choose to live as if it is.
But this was small comfort. I am too red pill for that. Yes, doing good, alleviating others' pain is better than inflicting it. But that still may all just be in my head, a genetic predisposition for cooperation or a self-fulfilling wish for meaning or something.
But I still couldn't let go of Jesus. Certain songs, certain verses, instantly bring me to tears for reasons I couldn't explain. A deep longing for it.
Then finally, I did find help. Some reposting of a reprinting or something webby like that where someone took the very well-written and witty position that he was raised tocbelieve in God, sure, but likewise any atheist was raised not to. In the end, he concluded that he refused to play in their field. He didn't need to prove his God by reasons they would accept because they would could neither prove their position. They denied his evidence and he denied theirs. Imapasse reached. Wow. Smacks so much of Jesus himself answering the teachers in Jerusalem!
But what it did for me was make me think about what I was raised to. Yes, I did follow the teachings of Jesus, and you know what? They have not yet failed. What was written in the Bible for how I should interact with others, how I should think of myself, etc. It all worked...really well.
...Ok, I'm not falling into your distractions, if you know me, you know how I mean this and how I don't. If you don't know me, I frankly don't care what you think about it, so stow those objections in your own blog no one will read...
Anyway, if those things worked, written independently across so many centuries and cultures and authors, it was a pretty right system. And if it's so right about that, it just might be right about the God part too! Nit necessarily, I admit. But systems don't usually work that way. If it holds true on so many factors, there's no logical reason to expect it won't on this foundational one.
So no, I can't prove it. No one can. I don't pretend to know why a being like that would stay so hidden in certain ways, or if I'm just the blind one who can't see what others did. But I won't be that much of a skeptic. It's working, and I want it to. And I have found just enough of a spark to let me go a few more steps. That'll do Donkey...that'll do.
Of course since then, by purely random encounter, which may very well be that amazing ability to find patterns in chaos, I have found that even Morher Theresa heavily doubted the existence of God. If she can and still do so much good in the pure HOPE it's true. I think that will work for me.
I remain a Christian. And God, it's frickin' hard! But I don't want to leave.
Now of course, this all can't help but influence my dependent beliefs and practices. For one, I am finding far more attraction to the 12 step form of prayer: seek complete surrender of doubt, of desire, of self-will, and at difficulties ask for intuitive guidance, a thought, a hint, and ask for nothing for myself unless it helps others.
It gives me the shivers, so subconscious or God, or both or neither, I know by now, my good lies in that direction.
