I haven't been on for a while. I've been focused on some other tasks and life changes and making progress in my healing. But last night i had a rare moment where i fell into a very deep sleep. This is usually not good because my subconscious runs riot and that's a pretty disturbed thing.
But after waking up terrified and crying, and dragging through my morning, I finally had a moment to investigate some of the symbols I experienced in the dream. This opened the door for me to get a handle on the rest.
Long and short is, I am not satisfied with my current situation. I gave up so much to chance a new life and it didn't work out. Now I long for that old stability and situation, even though it no longer exists. Further one of the main reasons my attempt failed was family obligations and that family member is giving me nothing but grief over that topic. Constantly making bad decisions, arguing them, refusing to get the help offered, and threatening to throw all the sacrifice away.
My work is in disarray because I was asked to look into things and found stuff no one was prepared for, despite my warnings. Now they're trying as hard as they can to sweep it all back under the rug. But I have options to leave, yet again, with all the upset that entails and no guarantee it will be better there.
I have also lost so much in this healing journey. I like to think most of it is good overall. My wife tells me this. But I still just feel the loss and get tired of trying so hard.
So yeah, I can practice gratitude and count my blessings, but you know what? Truth is, bad things happen to good people, good things go to bad people. And stuff sucks for a lot of people.
I get all this, and accept it. But it still hurts and scares. I just need a way to let it out. I'm trying to learn to be me and not be rejected for it...and I'm talking in legally discriminatory ways here, seriously. I have a right to be pissed.
God, if you're there, if you care, as I want to believe, please work something out. Not for me, but for the one I most want to see get past this. I know she needs to learn for himself. But I just really want to know what I gave up twice was not in vain.
And if I can ask for myself, I need to find peace. I've given up so much in pursuit of it. I can't go back. If you restore things, then please, it has to happen in the forward direction. I don't know what else to do when my programming turned out to be malware designed to exploit these basic needs.
I'll cut everything away if that's what it takes. Regardless of what the reality beyond this life is, Jesus was an amazing man and I hope to the highest hope he was for real. So I talk as if you are. You said we can't hold back. We have to give up anything in the way. Paul said cast off what hinders.
But since I can't trust myself or my desires, I go back to the 12 steps. I ask that you show me through the day each step and ask nothing for myself. I ask only to help others.
