I think I understand the phrase 'wait on the Lord' now. It is used in the Psalms. But right.now, I get it. I am feeling the struggle. Waking from another of my nearly perpetual nightmares, disturbed by the images and the feelings they evoke. Feeling another pain recurring somewhere in my endless line of self-attacking subconscious ailments. Feeling like I will never be free. Wondering if I have done something wrong. Is it my fault? Wanting so deeply to have parents who would release me, a family who would accept me as me. Even success is hollow because of the imposter syndrome. Perhaps worst of all is knowing that I found out too late and have damaged my son in unintentional ways so he comes to me with burdens and anxieties and then leaves me there with no word that he's doing better. Like a spent epi-pen, I am necessary to relieve the crisis and then discarded.
And even as I write this, I think its not true. Perhaps this is what people his age do and I feel it stronger because I have no idea how to process these things. There is no deep center in me. Nothing solid and certain to fall back on. Only a deep endless void at my core. I may be granted a reprieve to ignore it for a time, but it will never go away.
But for all this, I believe there has to be something greater. A God who is NOT of my making. Some purpose and direction in this mess of a thing we call existence. This God is not mortal that he will grow weary, not threatened or coerced by anything. And I will wait for him to do what he will do. I can't do otherwise, really. Just wait.
