I am told that I have a 300% higher liklihood of almost every ailment. Heart disease, depression, allergies. Because of what I had no control over, I will be not just a little more likely, 3 TIMES!
But it's not death that scares me. It's not really pain either I know that well too. It's living trapped. Being stuck alive but feeling bad for years on end. No matter how healthy I try to be, I'll always be the sick one in the group.
But I defy it. I cling to the hope that Jesus was telling the truth and all things are possible. All things will be restored. He has been given the keys to the universe and is taking me with him. I know the Jesus on the cross. I know the rejected Jesus. I need to know the risen, perfected, Jesus too. I have to believe that I xan come back from this death.
You see, we get it wrong. This 3 dimensional shell I'm caught in is not life and stepping out of it is not death. Death is far worse. It's not being condemned to a fire for eternity. It's the process of undoing, negating what I was meant to be. Living is becoming what I was meant to be. Both are active processes.
So I stake my lot, tied all 100%, to this post. I'm full in, full on Jesus Freak. Because I need this hope he holds out. I will beat the odds. I will rise and keep right on rising. If I'm the only one in 15 billion, I will not be beaten by this.
But here's the rub. I know already I can't do this on my own. My brain itself is altered by the trauma. I can't trust it. The greatest news ever is that I don't have to. It has to die.
This is what I've been so desperatw to kill. This is why I have urges to beat myself. The twisted dying thing needs to go. Every last inch of diseased, dying, ruined, mangled limb needs to come off so the root can grow up fresh and straight. The cayerpillar has to fall off to free the butterfly. The seed shell has to rot so the new giant tree can come up.
I once saw a Sequoia seed. It was smaller than my little fingernail, but in that seed is the entire giant tree, minus the nutrients and water it will pull from its surroundings. But if it had bad surroundings it would come up twisted, a weak shadow of what it dreamed itself in its deepest heart. Yet this is the hope: the root is good, so cut away the bad and let it come up in cleaner fresher surroundings..
I'm ready. Let it all fall away.
