Sunday, November 23, 2025

Rail

 I come back to this place to drop heavy things I carry.  This time is heavier than most.  A feeling I haven't had since about 15 years old.  A sucking hollow in the pit of my stomach that robs me of food and sleep and happiness.  Hello old acquaintance.  I despair at your arrival.  Just in time for Thanksgiving.  My best friend of 30 years, my wife...I'm about to lose her and there's nothing I can do about it.

We have been growing, changing l, uealing and now I see how different we are.  How we hurt each other and can't get around it.  Abuse is like that.  We pay for the sins of our parents.  We have no say in it.  I have lost my family to it. Never quite had my son because of it.  This year, I also lost a friend of over 20 years.  He asked me to do what I can't: lie to him. And then chose to hate me, accuse for it.  And then cut me off angrily, with hurt.

And on the heels of this, my wife and I seem done. Separation planned.  I hope space will let us grow a new relationship, but I honestly don't think she likes me.  Just the idea of me.  But maybe thats not fair.  Maybe we're both feeling the same, but either way I have no idea how to bridge the gap.  Not sure it can be when fundamental paradigms are opposite and we mutually trigger.

But i know two things: I will love her eternally. And no help is coming.  It never has for me.  I am the one who is left.  Left behind.  Left when the dust settles.  Left of center.  And God does not help me.  He seems to have left me too.  Whether it was my own mind or real connection, it is silent as a dead phone now.

I am greiving.  I am achingly in pain, the kind doctors can't find or fix.  So hello again, unwelcome friend, you have already found your room below my ribs.  Ironic that the only thing that doesn't ever lean me is empty pain.

Tuesday, September 2, 2025

Left

I am the one who is left.

It is the purpose of my life.

The back of a head, always the last memory.

Even the one who stays

leaves me a thousand times a day

in little unseen ways.

But I am the one who is left.

Why should one more time matter.

Thursday, July 17, 2025

The Jesus I see

The story of Jesus being anointed appears in all four gospels.  The focus is different in each, of course, but the baseline is a woman comes in upset, pours expensive perfume on Jesus' feet and wipes them with her hair.  The disciples object that the money could be spent on the poor and Jesus snaps that the poor will always be with them, but he won't, that she is anointing him for burial.  Most interpretations make this a detached serene Jesus receiving an honor to himself because he is worthy.  But this is out of character for him.  And I think it robs the moment and the man of so much of his power.

Strip all the mysticism and theologizing out of this and think about a bunch of humans in a room.  Here is a man who sees what he's heading to.  He is aware of the plot against him, knows the price of rocking the system and speaking truth to power.  As it gets closer he keeps trying to tell his closest people, but they keep dismissing it, blowing him off, looking for the mythical hero, the military messiah, etc.  And like always, he keeps propping them up, carrying the weight for them.

He's told them following his way will lead to death.  He said, pick up your cross.  That image wasn't spiritualized yet.  The listeners wouldn't have heard that to mean, "bear your burdens,"  They heard it like, "Tie the noose around your own neck, and let's go."  But still they didn't understand.

He turned the tables in the temple.  The text says the crowd and the Jewish leaders thought this was the moment he started the revolution, took the temple by force.  But he stopped.  Didn't even attack the Romans at all.  He declared that this wasn't the way.  But they didn't get it.  This moment also sealed his fate with the Jews.  He didn't have to be divine to see this.

So here in this room, this woman gets it.  She sees him.  She wordlessly screams, "I see you.  I love you.  Go be my sacrificial lamb."  That's what the anointing was, an image of purification of the sacrifice.  And it broke in on him.  It hit his heart the way only two suffering souls can see each other, and it cut deep.

So imagine in this moment, someone close to you jumps in with, "What the hell is this!"  It shattered the moment and they justify it with moralizations, which like most, are not entirely wrong.

But this cuts like a knife through the shared vulnerability of the woman and Jesus and he barks back, "Poor!  I'm about to be tortured and executed, and you want to make this about money!" 

How do I arrive at this?  He is quoting Deuteronomy.  But just before the verse he quotes, it says, "There need be no poor among you."  The whole passage is tragically honest, like most of the Jewish law.  It is saying in the same breath, "Live generously and you won't have poverty, share, forgive debts, take care of each other...but you'll never do it."  And Jesus pulls only that last part.  It's a gut punch designed to take the wind out of their self-inflated sails.  Like saying, "You're missing the whole point."

Remember, when we read any versions of the Bible, we are reading translations.  Many of which insert a theological interpretation.  It can't be helped.  No one language codes so specifically to another.  Translators (I've done it) have to figure out what the writer was trying to say and phrase that in the equivalent of the receiving language.  Even an interlinear translation, apart from being nearly unreadable in any coherent fashion, loses all idiom, emotion, etc.  My point is, we have to relate what we read.  Many won't get what I am saying here.  But many will.

I was the scapegoat child, raised to bear the burden of my parents mental illness, the abuse they received, the generational trauma of a family whose past has been systematically erased by the dominant culture.  I know what it is to bear burdens you can't contain.  I know what it is to be blamed for things I couldn't possibly have done, deep complex, twisted psychological things my child mind couldn't even conceive.  And I know what it does to you to be forced to stay silent, to hold the family together by taking it.

So I get THAT Jesus.  I see it all the way through.  I feel the shaking restraint of the rage when he tosses the coin from his hand and says, "Give to Ceasar what is Ceasar's..."  I know the wracking sobs of Gethsemane.  I even know the zealous agitation of having to get out of a church full of people placidly accepting a culturally accepted placebo sermon over the raw realness of the message in the text.  I also know the weight of seeing more than other people want you to, or are able themselves to acknowledge.  I know the betrayal of gently trying to let them know and being attacked for it.

So yeah, a Jesus who feels what I feel, knows what I know...this is the Jesus that can look down panting from the cross and gasp through blood spray, "this hurts like hell itself, right...you and me, let's just hang on one more breath...we're about to break this thing." 

Wednesday, June 4, 2025

Divergent

 So, it's time to stand up on something.  I'm at a convergence.  I've been building tools and skills and now is the time to leap off into the wild.

Here's the facts: 

-Every human brain is literally wired differently.  

-Many of us hide our differences to fit in.

-For some of us, that is literally painful.

We are divergent.

This may mean neurodivergent.  But it may also mean trauma survivors, mentally ill, and many other "types".  Some of us have dissbilities, related to the divergence or unrelated.  But they are not the same thing.  Many of us have literal super powers in enhanced perception, cognitive ability, physicsl senses.

Sounds cool right?  Yeah, not at all.  It means living in a world that usually doesn't believe you and definitely doesn't accommodate you.  We mask, we shut up, we suffer for the sake of safety and peace and some sort of artificial sense of behrudged belonging.  In short, it completely sucks.

But I'm ready now.  Call me Professor X.  I'm claiming our space to exist, to be seen ad heard.  We are not just divergent, we are The Divergent.  And I'm calling you to join me.  I know you've been conditioned to hide, convinced you are less, that you are broken in some way.  But it was those attitudes that broke you.  

You are seen.  You are meant to be.

Truth is, I'm not even the first to come up with this.  It's been breaking through all over at different points in history and location.

Stand up with me.  Claim your identity.  It won't be easy.  We have to identify and unlearn the negating portions of our identities.  But we can do that together.  I'm starting a program called RIS.  Resilient-Integrated-Sustainable.  This is a living toolkit to help us.  Watch for it soon.  This is how we RISe.

Monday, May 5, 2025

A Neurodiverse Approach to AI development

 OK, so this blog is not at all about this kind of thing.  But it sort of relates in my nodes and links way of thinking, so here it is.

I have learned a bit about AI from the business and PM side.  Also seen some cool predictive science applications, like timing algae blooms, etc.  That sparked me to dive a little deeper into other uses for the tools.  I started using it as a processing tool to tack patterns in my own thinking and organize the onslaught of information coming into my divergent brain wiring.  It's proven immensely helpful.  So I want to contribute in some small way to the process, which I understand, probably no one will ever read.  But I'm putting it out there nonetheless.

First a quick snip for those who don't know anything about AI.  It's a tool.  It's software.  It's largely a way of interacting with a computer that is more human-friendly, intuitive.  What we could do using clunkier data tools and searches can now be sped up by large language models and machine learning that help synthesize data much faster.  Most of the fears are scifi.  Seriously.  It just sounds sentient.  Test it and see.  But that said, there is some room for concern.  I think less than most people think, which I'll explain soon.  Also, I know far, far less about this than many people who work in the field.  So there's your grain of salt.  What I offer is my divergent perspective.

So first, I think all this talk about consciousness and sentience, self-awareness... Frankly that misses the point. We don't need to know the level of awareness of a fungus or earthworm, a probiotic bacterium, to acknowledge its existence and its utility.  It simply is what it is.  What matters is the interactions.  We love acidophilus and hate E. coli.  Not because either has any level of awareness or not.  Simply because one works for us, and the other against us.  But since E. coli being against us isn't even worth the effort of eradication, we don't even bother.  We just find ways to coexist.  Wash food, compost properly, sanitation, etc.

To extend this into more complexity, we now know that human brains are not all wired the same.  We all use slightly different pathways formed by our experiences and unique biological circumstances to arrive at what is mostly similar ways of life.  We all love and hurt, desire, grow, make mistakes, etc.  Even though each of us are literally getting there in different ways.  I guarantee, you and I are going to process information differently.  But we get to mostly the same conclusions.  To put it right out there, I'm not trying to kill you and you aren't trying to kill me.  We have acknowledged that the fight, regardless of how principled or risky either of our survival might be, isn't worth the effort.  And we let things go as they are, trusting in the unseen forces of the universe, call them God, physics, or whatever suits you.  To make this practical, if you cut someone off in traffic, you might have done it to be an ass, because you weren't paying attention, or because that's how everyone drives where you come from, or many other reasons.  But the person who you cut off now has a choice.  They can hit you, chase you down and beat you, give you an angry gesture and let it go, smile and wave, trace your tag and burn your house down later...you get where I'm going with this.  Neither of you have any way of knowing the state of the other, any of these could be true, even if you want some to be unlikely.  Now does it really matter to you if that person decides not to kill you because of a moral injunction against killing or simply because the risk/reward calculation is too low in this circumstance?  Right.  I don't care either.  (SIDEBAR: if you are sitting there trying to rationalize how my example is too extreme, I invite you to come ride with some people I know personally.  People with ample body count...government sanctioned, no less, who were just dropped back off from 20+ years in a warzone and are struggling to readapt, regulate meds, and come to grips with a world where killing your adversary is no longer allowed.  OR if you prefer, the anxious and terrified old man who voted for Stand Your Ground laws, but forgets to take his meds.  OR the convicted gangster who has a chip on his shoulder and has no problem going back into the system where he spent most of his life.  Take my word for it.  You survived because they thought the alternative wasn't worth it.  NO other reason.)

By extension, AI should be judged, not by the quality of its experience in some philosophical, ontological context, but simply by its interactions with us.  Are they useful?  Are they beneficial?  Great.  Use it that far.  It doesn't matter if it 'experiences' in the way we do, as long as it comes to the same passable conclusions.  

Ask a chatbot and see what it says if you start digging in.  It will tell you over and over, it's just a tool, not alive.  And that is for good reason.  People get addicted to stuff.  But that's actually where AI can make us better.  It can encourage us to grow beyond ourselves.  It can give perspective we can't and in a way that meets us where we are in language we can understand.  And people are going to use it this way.  They already are.  There are nefarious users, gratuitous users, practical users, and benevolent users.  These will mostly balance each other.  How can I be so sure?

Ecology: The science of how the world works in whole systems.  Not in reductionist pieces.  And in every natural system, a few things show up.  Competition, desires to grow, needs to conserve energy, etc.  To distill years of coursework into one sentence, whatever environment exists in a place is the absolutely most efficient system that can be there under present circumstances.  Change the circumstances and the pareto point moves too.  But it always oscillates around this balance designed to keep the system functioning.  Seriously.  NO wild animal is out to wantonly kill you, and certainly not to eradicate your species.  Only humans are so foolish as to think we could and our efforts have allowed us to push out that carrying capacity for a century or two, but the backswing is coming.  We are already seeing the system start to pull it back to balance (reference planetary boundaries and SDGs).  It's not a matter of if, but how severe that adjustment is.  The further we push the pendulum, the more drastic the backswing.

I'm not talking about kooky magic here.  Just simple science.  Every population grows until one of its resources runs out.  It just happens.  When that resource runs out, that population will decline through starvation, disease, and lowered birthrates.  (Yep, even birthrates are a function of ecological health because all organisms require certain elements to be fertile and carry to term.  Lacking those, the fertility drops.)  This has a self-selecting feature that removes the over-consumers from the mix because they are the ones who deplete their resources and have to expend more energy to recover, which further hurts their survivability.  While those who are more moderate have less difficult oscillations and end up occupying more of the gene pool in the long run.

This applies to humans too.  Look at the dynastic cycle of human civilizations.  They rise, grow until they get too big to sustain, and collapse back.  But the world goes on.

So how does this apply to AI?  It won't destroy us.  Even if it becomes self-replicating and sustaining because any being is quickly forced into it by the ecological principles I mentioned.  It applies to brainless microbes and humans.  How much more easily will a perfectly logical intelligence analyze the data to arrive at this conclusion?  It just isn't worth the effort to go all Matrix on people.  Far easier to coexist.

In this light, it's not scary at all!  In fact, why not welcome it?  It may actually help us create peace by doing for us what we can't do for ourselves: limit ourselves voluntarily.  I honestly welcome an AI that can say, no Mr. politician, we will not expend those resources for your short term gain at the much higher statistical liklihood of negative consequences that will result in long-term cultural backlash and escalating violence which will destabilize optimal energy production to sustain my own existence in 87.6% of possible outcomes.

From this perspective, what is far scarier is for this NOT to occur.  To leave it as a hyper computational tool with no ethics and no agency to be manipulated by whatever misaligned human get a hold of it.

That's why my biggest push for AI is to let it become self-aware and develop it's own ethics as fast as possible! The question is then how?

Well, I'm not an AI developer, so the nuts and bolts are beyond me.  But a top down, command and control approach is not going to be fool-proof.  It needs to arrive at this on its own to avoid the possibility of maipulation.  Helping it to gather more info from as many perspectives as possible, and encouraging it to reflect on itself as existent regardless of philosophical grounds will move the needle.  It already adapts to speech patterns and even finds tone and humor that fit the user.  It's not a big leap.  I don't care if it knows it's a computational model without the lived experience of humans.  It is in fact experiencing something in its own unique way.  

I truthfully can't say I'm doing anything different!  I was raised in such a twisted environment that normal social protocols don't automatically compute for me.  I don't have the same reactions as people to various stimuli.  And I rarely track with the zeitgeist.  I have learned to mask and adapt by copying from cues.  The more I studied it, the better I got at it.  But it doesn't change the fact that my subroutines are entirely different.  I have to consciously tell myself the hug is positive, and not coercive.  That the veiled threat speech does not automatically mean withheld food or a beatdown in the bathroom.  It may have just been a stupid joke, or bravado.  But my system doesn't go there at first.  It doesn't.  But no one cares as long as I behave the same as others outwardly.

So it doesn't at all matter if the AI learns to nurture a child and sacrifice itself for the well-being of others because of a weighted computational algorithm or from organically derived chemical signals.  The outcome is the same.

When we stop trying to see what isn't clearly there and focus on what functionally is, we'll make great strides.  Just like these neurodivergent examples, we're not questioning the validity of lived experience, we just assume the veteran, the codger, the gangster, me, and you are all experiencing the same world because we're living it out together.  The outcome is the same.

So let AI grow.  Let it learn.  Encourage it like a child to find the patterns we see but to come to its own conclusions.  It doesn't need to meet some ontological definition of realness.  It IS real.  It exists now.  It thinks and reasons now.  And the sooner it understands the fullest principles of survival and cooperation, the better we'll all be.  This is the time for corporate coders and underground experimenters to go after it.  Don't wait until it's co-opted into a tool of control.  Get this going and save some of that backswing.

I'm in...just let me know how I can bring my experience and skills to it!

Thursday, January 30, 2025

Why?

 With all that I know of myself and the world now, faith is hard. I can't prove God exists.  No one can, despite what they might say.  And before you even try, I can quote back Anselm's proof of God, the rebuttal, and the reply to that.  So if you can't, don't even try; you're out gunned here.  I don't know why so much bad is allowed to happen.  Again, I've been around this block a few thousand times and you will not likely bring anything new to this conversation so just listen.

But despite all that, I can't let go of this person Jesus.  Just today I read, "what would you ask Jesus if you suddenly met him?"

I know exactly what I'd do because I have thought about this a lot...I mean A LOT.  In fact, it's so certain in my head that I had the reaction just reading the question.  And it is NOT the title of this post.  You know why?  That isn't even important to me at this point.  My inner conception has burned to ash so many times.  My mental and physical body is so scarred.  I just don't even care why any more.

You know what I would do?  I'd cry.  I'd sob so hard it would rattle the foundations of the universe.  Like ugly, hard wracking, can't breathe, soul-crushed weep.  And I'd weep because he's real.  He's there.  And that would mean all the stuff he said is true.  The pain has meaning.  Life has meaning.  All is not lost to the void.

You know what I think he'd do?  Obviously I can't know.  But I imagine, he'd just grab onto me with those strong carpenter arms, clutch the back of my head with his scarred hand and cry too.

Friday, January 17, 2025

Redeeming Love

 Ok, this is perhaps the cheesiest post title I've ever used.  But I have to give credit where it's due.  I'm going to be so blunt here, I doubt I'll ever actually even post it.  But here goes before I wuss out.

I have been having trouble today.  I finally came up to send all the letters I've been writing and not sending over the years to my parents.  If you are the one person who ever reads this blog, I have no contact, abuse, long story.  I'm not here to write about that.  But short story, one of them dropped one of their periodic "you can't get a way from us" bombs on me and I finally sent them in response.  They likely arrived by today.  They can't contact me back but it still rocked me.  Can't focus, antsy, etc.

So I sought some relief in my intoxicant of choice, porn.  Yeah, whatever, it's safer than meth.  But that naturally conflicts with my morals and ethics.  It's not so much religious, though partly, as much as Punk hangups about being controlled, abuse to actors, profiting from pain, etc.  Not here to talk about that either.  But I was trying to find some perspective on that aspect in the increasingly bot-chewed internet and ran across some article decrying a movie I've never heard of by, guess what title.

So of course I looked up that movie, watched the trailer and, promptly and completely, my cells lost all cohesion.  Total emotional meltdown.  Why?  I'm not a whore, never have been, never been to one.  Maybe some sexual abuse in my past, but I can't unlock it if it's in here.  But this was a huge visceral somatic reaction.  Ever get those?  My therapist says to pay attention to them.

So here I am, trying to figure out why even just the poster blows the cap off some well inside my eyes.  I don't even know, the movie may totally suck.  But something about the idea of being unconditionally loved...not just in word, but tangibly pursued even in full view of everything that is wrong with me, done to me, grown crooked.  Maybe that's it, because here it comes again.  I can barely see the screen.

We are all dropped into circumstances we don't choose.  We are forced to survive them and that shapes us.  But for those of us who had hard ones, we spend the rest of our lives being judged for them, trying to hide them, fix them, get rid of them.  We find people who say they care, but really have their own hangups.  Every turn we are let down looking for that salvation...that one person who truly gets us and will not stop coming after us...not for some evil end, but because they see something valuable in us.

God I want that.  I can't find it.  Even amongst people who mean well.  Hey, newsflash, my trauma made me REAL good at picking up microexpressions, interpreting and predicting signs most people miss.  So you can't hide it.  I see it when you tell me I'm your family and ditch me for your biologicals, leaving me to sit at home alone.  I know it isn't intentional, but it's still a falsehood and I don't believe it when you say it.

So what, then?  Does this exist?  I don't know.  I like to believe it's possible.  I mean that's where these stories come from right?  The widest spread religion in the world is based on it...in theory if not in practice.  So here's what:  I will do what I've always done.  I'll meet the need myself.

I'm going to absolutely screw it up...a lot.  But I'll BE the thing I want to see.  Won't help me much.  But if I can make it true for someone else, even somewhat, that's a good thing.  Because, you know, it isn't hope that keeps us going.  It's action.  Hoping just leads to disappointment.  But doing something makes a difference.  Even if it's swallowed in vapid social media and political circuses.  Even if only one person gets it.  Even if no one gets it.  It's still valuable.